On Friendship

I woke up this morning thinking of my old job, the one where I worked for seventeen years before being laid off.

In that job, during those years, I forged relationships. The kind of relationships that many people would refer to as 'friendships'. They were with people with whom I had things and interests in common. These were people with whom I got along, whose company I enjoyed, and spent as much time chatting with as discussing work tasks with.

Looking back, from the perspective of three years' separation, I realize that no matter how much time we spent chatting, laughing, teasing, non of us ever made it past the acquaintance stage. Only one of us took the firm step toward true friendship in a time of great need. It was accepted, with heartfelt thanks, and then we reverted to what had been.

Which is a shame. A terrible shame and, thinking of it now, it hurts a bit.

What happened is that I developed these relationships and I thought they were mutual. But they were tested once I was no longer in the immediate circle. Then they were proved to be filament fine and weak.

There is always the initial shock of being cut from the herd. Even if you know it's coming, it's still a shock. I didn't have the luxury of hanging out feeling sorry for myself, so I got to work looking for a new job.

With my termination, there was a division created. They were 'The Company' and I, off alone, was 'me'. I was no longer part of 'The Company'. I had to fend for myself so immediately started looking for work. That became my full-time job and I had little time for the social niceties of friendship. Certainly no more time than the people with whom I had formerly worked.

They have families, I have a family. They were working, so was I. My days were full, as were theirs.

But I tried.

Even though I was working hard, even though my time was as limited as theirs, I tried. In the circumstance, because of the calls on my energies, I didn't have time to send individual e-mails to the twelve people with whom I tried to stay in touch. That would have taken hours that I simply didn't have. So I sent lengthy broadcast e-mails telling them what was up with me, sharing my news, and asking how they were. If I got anything back that wasn't appropriate to share with the group, I would communicate privately.

What hurt, though, was that even though I tried for a period of at least five or six months, I got nothing in exchange from the majority of these people. Not a line, not a word. It was as if our 'friendship' had never existed.

From others I would get back a 'gosh, I'm too busy right now, but I'll write later'. Later still hasn't come. I'm still waiting.

After a while Optimism stepped out and Reality stepped in. I realized that I was on the losing end of a 4:1 send:receive ratio.

Even though these people had promised to stay in touch, to keep up, they hadn't. They were too busy.

Well, I decided after nearly a year, so am I.

Friendship cannot be all one way all the time. Sometimes it's necessary for friends to carry the bulk of the load while the other person takes a break, but that has to be reciprocal, too.

Friendship is very much a two-way street, a partnership between equals. Real friendship is, in some ways, like a marriage. You share parts of yourself, your happy times, quiet times hurtful times, sad times. A friend holds you when you need it, picks you up, brushes you off, kisses you on the cheek and supports you when life kicks you in the teeth. They laugh with you and share your happy times.

Friends don't turn away and ignore you when you reach out your hand and hope that they'll take it. Friends don't need to be asked to do that. They just do it because they're friends, and that's what friends do.

Be a friend. Give a minute and just drop a line to someone you consider a friend, say 'hello, how are you?' and be prepared to respond when they answer back. Share yourself. Be the kind of friend you would like to have.

Best~
Philippa

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories