When 'Friends' Unfriend 'Friends'

I've soliloquized on my idea of friendship before, what it means and the levies assessed by claiming friends. But this morning I couldn't sleep so was lying in bed letting my mind graze and it hit upon the peculiarity that is Facebook and its 'friend' basis.

If you want to connect to someone on Facebook you 'Friend' them which, in and of itself is weird since 'friend' is not a verb outside of Facebook. Yet it has become a common part of the cultural lexicon. 'I'll friend you, 'k?'

It's weird and it's phony, like Styrofoam phony, and I really don't like it, but I am caught up in it just like most of the people I know.

There are lots of words that mean that you know someone. There's nodding acquaintance which is pretty clear. You recognize someone you see regularly. Perhaps, but not necessarily, you know their name. You're barely or not on speaking terms because you don't know them well enough for that so, as you pass by you make eye contact and nod.

There are acquaintance with whom you exchange verbal greetings, "Hi, Phil." "Hi, Bill."

There are colleagues, the people with whom you work and collaborate. That can be within a department or across departmental lines. It's primarily a business relationship with give and take and shared labor. You might talk about personal stuff, but it's little things, nothing deep or intimate.

There are co-workers, those people with whom you work but don't necessarily work closely. You see them most days. You'll stop to chat about superficial things like, 'man, it's cold out there today!' or 'how're you, today?' Just the very basics and little or nothing personal.

There are work friends, the people with whom you do a little more than just brush by with a few platitudes. These are the people with whom you share some of yourself, open the window to your outside life a bit and let in across your personal threshold. You may not ask them to sit down and make themselves comfortable, but you at least let them inside to stand in the vestibule. Perhaps you share a table at lunch or hang out with them during a break. But that's as far as the 'friendship' goes. Once the five o'clock whistle blows, you're each off to your other life with a wave and "I'll see you tomorrow!"

Then there are your friends - the real world friends. These are the people with whom you choose to spend time, not because you have to because you're working together within the confines of business, but because you want to. Perhaps you did meet at work, or maybe at school or the gym or church or some other place. It's a chosen relationship - you chose them, they chose you and bingo, a budding friendship that develops over time into something with meaning.

When push comes to shove they have your back. When life throws lemons, they're there to help pick them up and make that lemonade. Then, once the lemonade is made they'll stand by your side and build that stand with you and help you sell it. If you need a shoulder or a shelter, they're there, arms held wide. If you're wrong they'll tell you so. If you're right but have been wronged, they'll tell you that, too.

Given the construct of Facebook and it's society of 'friends', it is really strange, almost otherworldly. It tips the concept of the word 'friend' onto its head and turns it inside out and backward.

How many real world friends do you have on Facebook? And I don't mean nodding acquaintance, acquaintance, colleagues or co-workers. I mean real honest to God friends who have your back and meet the criteria of the life / lemon / lemonade stand.

How many people of the 'friends' that you have there have you ever met or spoken with outside of the confines of the interweb in the past three months?

Some people on Facebook seem to collect 'friends' like confetti. They're not particular about who the other person is. They just want to see how many people they can connect to. Perhaps they view it as a contest? Whoever dies with the most 'friends' wins or something.

I don't know. All I know is that the friending and unfriending and all the rest of it on Facebook is phony and empty and cold.

Now Facebook didn't create it's 'friend' concept lightly. Saying 'friend' brings warm connotations, a hint of a relationship closer than acquaintanceship, although I'm willing to wager that the vast majority of 'friends' on Facebook are little or less than real world acquaintance. It's just not as inviting to say, 'I'll send you an acquaintance request, okay?'

And it's funny because the friending / unfriending is willy-nilly. In the real world, if someone 'friends' someone, it's because they've met face-to-face. They've moved from nodding acquaintance through acquaintance to become something more. In the real world friends chat one-on-one and share personal things - likes, dislikes, time together. In that realm if someone unfriends a friend, everyone knows it. The parties involved and everyone who has meaning in the lives of both parties hear about it. The break-up is loud and public with crying and hugging among the parties and their real-world friends.

On the interweb when 'friends' break up it goes down with nary a ripple.

Recently, we had a situation at work where someone with some authority posted an inner-thought. They were faced with an unpleasant task and, instead of keeping it off the interweb, they let it off leash and the pitbull of half-a-hint took off running. This person had 'friended' a bunch of co-workers and, because of the inter-relationship created by Facebook, all of the co-workers saw this post. Which was inflammatory in the sense of security.

For me, seeing that, I shrugged because I've been through the wringer, the mill, the whatever you choose to call it and I've survived. Not in the same situation, of course, but I have come through intact and ready to fight back.

At this point I liken work to being in a chicken factory. If you're there, there's damn all you can do about the outcome. All you can try to do is be the best chicken you're capable of being so the powers that be don't decide to hook you to the line with a Bad End.

So, knowing that whatever this person was having to do was going to happen whether I liked it or not, I shrugged and went about my business.

Others, however, got all excited and worked-up. I still don't know what happened, but one of my co-workers, one of the sensitive and anxious, caught me in the hall and asked if I had seen that post. I had. Then they asked, 'did you get un-friended, too?'

It was as if this person was resentful because the other person had abruptly unfriended everyone associated with the company. It was a bad break-up, I guess.

Curious, I went online and checked and, sure enough, this individual who had posted what should have been kept private was no longer in my list of friends. I hadn't even noticed. Which means, when you look at it that way, we weren't really 'friends' at all, were we?

Now, I hope you have a friendly day with someone you can look in the eye and say, 'I'm glad to know you.'

Best~
Philippa

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories

A Moment of Truth

Generally, when I write this little missive every day, it's as much an exercise in just writing as it is in relating little things going on in my tiny corner of the great big world. Like the letters to my mother, it's a means of opening the door a bit so she knew I was well and happy.

Since she's been gone since 2012, I haven't really had a release for these things. Since starting this in April I have, and it's been helpful and pleasant - a means of sharing good news and not so good stuff.

Today, however, I got to thinking about other things. Friends I miss, people who called me friend but who, for whatever reason, didn't really seem to be fully invested in 'friendship' as I define it. Even family hasn't been entirely 'there', so that's why. It's the why behind this post in which I'm going to open the door to a little bit of me today.

In my lexicon, friendship has a specific meaning. It's not a marriage or dedicated relationship, but it is a more than a 'when it's convenient to me' relationship.

I have few friends. It's not because I'm not friendly or rude or unpleasant. It's because I'm selective.

If I call you 'friend' it means that I will drop what I am doing to pick you up if you've fallen - but I expect the same in return should I need it.

If I call you 'friend', I will write to you, call you and listen when you need an ear or a shoulder. But, I expect the same in return, to the same amount.

In that case, if it's one hundred percent reciprocal, it's a 1:1 relationship. If I send a message or write a letter, I expect one back. My time and energies are just as limited anyone else's, and if it's down to a 2:1 or 3:1 exchange - it's not worth it to me.

Because of this attitude, I have stopped communicating with all of my 'friends' from past lives, which is sad and sometimes, like today, bothers me.

See, what happened, from my perspective only, of course, is this.

In 1995 I was hired at a company. I met some wonderful people along the way and I was there for seventeen years - until 2012 - when I was laid off because the company was downsizing. They had two people competing for the same position. One worked for the man who had the need, and I wasn't her. Ergo sum. And it was fine because I was getting stale in my job and it was time for a change.

However, in all those years I met several people who called me 'friend' and whom I called 'friend'. What was eye-opening, and more than a little sad, was that once I was laid off, those 'friendships' ended. Oh, we had lunch together once, but the e-mails I sent - well over a dozen - went unanswered.

Granted, I was on unemployment and spending my days looking for work - Craigslist and about a dozen other websites, crafting letters and refining my resume - so the e-mails were broadcasts to those I considered 'friends'. What upset me though, was the utter lack of response from those who had said, specifically, 'oh, let's stay in touch!'

Yeah. Like when you break up with your boy/girlfriend and you say, 'oh, we'll still be friends'. Riiiiight. We all know how that generally goes. And this was no different.

Twice in the following years - from then to now - I received some bare nod of a message. Along the lines of 'hope you're doing well, let me know how it's going' and nothing more. In other words, take your time to tell me what you're doing but I can't be arsed to reciprocate.

To me, this is not a friendship. This is something else and, frankly, I'm not sure what to call it.

I have the same approach to family.

My sister, for instance, after a silence of more than a year even though I sent her e-mail after e-mail until I gave up in late 2012 / early 2013 sent me a birthday card earlier this month. In it is a message that I took pleasure in receiving. I have the card on my bookcase at home. I have not, however, answered because that would re-open the door to the 2:1 or 3:1 or 4:1 communications.

Oh, we would start off at 1:1 but, and I can state this with certainty since it's been a repeated result, we would get to the point where I send one, then another, and perhaps a third with no response. With all I have going on in my life, and the limitations on my time and life expectancy, I don't have time for that kind of communication.

In a sense, a very big sense, this little blog I do every day fulfills that need to communicate. I hardly ever get comments on my posts - and that's fine. I've said it before, this is a rather selfish endeavor. If you stop by or trip over it on your way past, stop to peek in and take a look, that's great. But I do this, genuinely, for me. And if that sounds narcissistic and self-centered, so be it. It's real - which is how I roll.

So what's the point of this particular post, you ask? I don't know. Because I'm thinking of it. Because I miss those relationships but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself to try again when I know it will probably fail again. Because it's been bugging me. Whatever.

It's there. It's real. It's me and I won't apologize or retract. It's up to you, now, to decide how to take it.

Have a lovely day!

Best~
Philippa

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories

Day Two - Pulse is Still Strong, Still Breathing

After the shock of learning that the incubator for me and for many other aspiring writers is being shut off at the end of September, a lot of energy has been spent scrambling to find a viable alternative.

It's wonderful being in a group of creative and resourceful people. I don't consider myself so. Just because I express my imagination doesn't make me creative or resourceful. It just means I spend a lot of time in front of a computer writing what I think or feel or imagine.

On the other hand, there are a few that have set up a free website for writers. It isn't polished and pretty, but it's pretty cool that it's free and has many of the same message boards as the forum on Authonomy. Yesterday, I signed up and it's a place where I can keep in touch with the acquaintances I've made on Autho until the last of the dust settles.

I started re-upping my profiles in other places, too. Book Country being the first, Scribophile will be next. I signed up for Scribblers - the site created by the resourceful gentleman from Authonomy and I'll go back to Scribophile which is a little strange in its format.

There will be life after Authonomy, but people are already scattering, and that's sad. Some choose not to be on Facebook, which is fine and understandable, but the thought of losing touch with them is depressing.

Yes, I know. Life will go on, and I'll have fond memories of them, but there will be a hole where they once stood.

Since I didn't know them well or personally, it will be a small hole, but a void and my life will be poorer for not having them there. Ah, well.

We all make choices and everyone lives with them. The benefit is that I had the chance to get to know these people a little, however fleetingly, and I am better for it - so I win even though I also lose.

Perhaps, once the silence of not participating in an active group settles around them like a cloak, they will reach out and join other sites. Who knows, perhaps we'll stumble across one another again - on the other side.

But there are a lot of people that are wanting to stay connected. I've reached out to many of them on Facebook, and on Book Country. I'll do the same on Scribophile. It won't be the same, but that is a part of life and living.

Change is hard for people. But to remain static is to die, so change is good. It refreshes and regenerates and, no matter how sad I am to see Authonomy go, I still say that I am richer for having belonged.

So - I'm off to struggle with the change, to embrace and accept it by signing up on the writer's sites that I can find so I can see which will become my new 'home'.

Have a lovely day!

Best~
Philippa

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories

On Friendship

I woke up this morning thinking of my old job, the one where I worked for seventeen years before being laid off.

In that job, during those years, I forged relationships. The kind of relationships that many people would refer to as 'friendships'. They were with people with whom I had things and interests in common. These were people with whom I got along, whose company I enjoyed, and spent as much time chatting with as discussing work tasks with.

Looking back, from the perspective of three years' separation, I realize that no matter how much time we spent chatting, laughing, teasing, non of us ever made it past the acquaintance stage. Only one of us took the firm step toward true friendship in a time of great need. It was accepted, with heartfelt thanks, and then we reverted to what had been.

Which is a shame. A terrible shame and, thinking of it now, it hurts a bit.

What happened is that I developed these relationships and I thought they were mutual. But they were tested once I was no longer in the immediate circle. Then they were proved to be filament fine and weak.

There is always the initial shock of being cut from the herd. Even if you know it's coming, it's still a shock. I didn't have the luxury of hanging out feeling sorry for myself, so I got to work looking for a new job.

With my termination, there was a division created. They were 'The Company' and I, off alone, was 'me'. I was no longer part of 'The Company'. I had to fend for myself so immediately started looking for work. That became my full-time job and I had little time for the social niceties of friendship. Certainly no more time than the people with whom I had formerly worked.

They have families, I have a family. They were working, so was I. My days were full, as were theirs.

But I tried.

Even though I was working hard, even though my time was as limited as theirs, I tried. In the circumstance, because of the calls on my energies, I didn't have time to send individual e-mails to the twelve people with whom I tried to stay in touch. That would have taken hours that I simply didn't have. So I sent lengthy broadcast e-mails telling them what was up with me, sharing my news, and asking how they were. If I got anything back that wasn't appropriate to share with the group, I would communicate privately.

What hurt, though, was that even though I tried for a period of at least five or six months, I got nothing in exchange from the majority of these people. Not a line, not a word. It was as if our 'friendship' had never existed.

From others I would get back a 'gosh, I'm too busy right now, but I'll write later'. Later still hasn't come. I'm still waiting.

After a while Optimism stepped out and Reality stepped in. I realized that I was on the losing end of a 4:1 send:receive ratio.

Even though these people had promised to stay in touch, to keep up, they hadn't. They were too busy.

Well, I decided after nearly a year, so am I.

Friendship cannot be all one way all the time. Sometimes it's necessary for friends to carry the bulk of the load while the other person takes a break, but that has to be reciprocal, too.

Friendship is very much a two-way street, a partnership between equals. Real friendship is, in some ways, like a marriage. You share parts of yourself, your happy times, quiet times hurtful times, sad times. A friend holds you when you need it, picks you up, brushes you off, kisses you on the cheek and supports you when life kicks you in the teeth. They laugh with you and share your happy times.

Friends don't turn away and ignore you when you reach out your hand and hope that they'll take it. Friends don't need to be asked to do that. They just do it because they're friends, and that's what friends do.

Be a friend. Give a minute and just drop a line to someone you consider a friend, say 'hello, how are you?' and be prepared to respond when they answer back. Share yourself. Be the kind of friend you would like to have.

Best~
Philippa

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories