Baggage

No one can deny we all have baggage. It's the life experience, good and bad, that we've picked up along the way and carry with us everywhere we go.

Some of it's of the Hermes Crocodile Palladium Plated variety: Really Expensive Baggage (now that is definitely the kind of baggage you want to have anywhere you go! And golly - look at that. If it's your first purchase at the site, you get $50 off! Yee-haw!).

Some of it's the wet drippy paper sack variety - it's messy, probably smelly and you'd really like to leave it behind someplace, but you can't because it is a part of you, your history.

I have baggage. Lots of it because I've been wandering around here for so long.

Most of it's good. After all, I'm a nice, person with a good heart who will not knowingly hurt anyone else. Perhaps mine isn't in the class of Hermes, but maybe of Givenchy or Vuitton. Some of it not, but that is what makes me different from you or from anyone else. It's the degree and power of the stinky baggage that turns us to do certain things.

Yesterday, I was participating in a group and someone, both an old hand and a relatively new one (they were someone who managed the group when I first joined a couple of years ago but left a few months after I started). This individual mentioned a change instituted by the new group leader, asking why it was necessary. A number of us who have been regular participants responded.

None of us were nasty or rude or unpleasant. We just spoke our minds. This person took it to heart and, regrettably, threw in the towel and said they were leaving the group. Someone else followed.

That is terrible. It reflects badly on everyone and it's still bothering me today (which is why I'm writing about it).

I did not mean to be rude, snarky, unpleasant and definitely not hurtful in what I said. I even apologized. Looking at the other comments, I don't think anyone else intended this result either. We just expressed our opinions and I, stupid me, 'spoke' a personal truth.

Part of my stinky wet drippy baggage is that I'm very insecure. I don't show it - I've learned not to in my life's trip, but I am. It's what I call the Little Girl at my heart.

When I'm in a group and someone gets irritated or angry, or if someone does something embarrassing, I cringe inside. I take it to heart, as if it's because of me, even if it's obviously not. I'll stew on it, for days sometimes, until I either get past it or the situation changes and smooths it back over. Heck, I do the same thing at TV sitcoms.

If some character is doing something humiliating, I get very uncomfortable. It's as if it's me who's playing the fool. The fact that they're being paid and are willingly doing what they're doing makes no difference to me, to my inner Little Girl. I cringe.

As almost everyone does (in my experience), I want to be liked. I want to have what I do or say appreciated. When I spend time and effort writing something, I like it to be acknowledged. So, there's my baggage and that's the truth I posted.

The group in which I participate is a writers group where we post our flash pieces. Everyone reads and everyone votes for their favorite three. Sometimes stories get no votes, and that's where the problem for me lies. It hurts and I get more than a little conflicted.

I don't mind that others get the votes and I don't. If others think the other stories are better than mine, that's fine. It's all a matter of taste and opinion. But most honestly, it does hurt my feelings a little because when I put what I do up, I think it's the best I can offer given the prompt. To have that effort dismissed entirely, to show a zero at the end of it, is bothersome.

One of the ways the host of the thread avoids that is to give a nod to all entrants by posting one point - just for entering. I appreciate that. It has no real meaning because it doesn't affect the outcome, but it's a nice nod of thanks. And it's that little detail that was the subject of such controversy yesterday.

So my baggage, my desire for at least a little acknowledgement, conflicted with someone else's self-confidence - they don't need that little boost and neither do some of the others in the group.

For myself, I can't change how I feel. All I can do is try to grow up in that area and not to let things like that bother me. A life lesson I'm still trying to learn.

Airing personal baggage is good. My wet drippy baggage is a little less wet, a little less stinky than it was yesterday and this morning because, by openly acknowledging this weakness of character, I can openly work on it.

I'm off to the workbench and I hope you have a lovely day!

Best~
Philippa

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