Oh, yippitee skippitee, Scrooge is here.
The company holiday party (nope, not allowed to call it Christmas since someone might be offended) is coming up this Friday. I've had offers of hand-holding from a number of people so even though I don't really want to, I'm going. I'll sit with my hand-holding buds and shoot the breeze and will probably end up having a good time. There's going to be line dancing and, knowing me, I'll probably jump into that.
Heck - that'll be a trip down Memory Lane.
When I was about four my mom enrolled me in ballet classes not knowing that I'm a follow my own drummer personality. Or maybe she did and didn't care? I don't know. All I know is that at four years old any stage career I might have developed disappeared in the middle of a dance recital.
Black leotard with a short red tutu, a black overskirt with red polkadots. I remember that. I also remember being the one kid in the line of however many there were reaching to the ceiling while everyone else was bending to the floor and vice versa. It didn't go well. But I did get a bouquet of red roses from my favorite Aunt when it was all over.
This should be more fun though since I doubt anyone else, except maybe one or two hardcore country western listeners, will have a clue what they're doing either. In the end, it'll be fun and funny and a laugh and that's what it's all about.
With my buds and music I can pretend I'm sitting in a bar someplace. Although the room will no doubt be more brightly lit than the local bar.
Since I was in charge of the music I dove deep into my past and requested 'Twisting By The Pool' and 'The Sultans of Swing', both from Dire Straits.
Hopefully when it's all over everyone will look at everyone else and say, 'that was fun! Let's do it again next year!'
At home, we won't be celebrating the season because there's both too much and not enough going on.
MIL is becoming incontinent. Twice in the past few days hubby has been down on the floor scrubbing stains. I just hope, callously perhaps, for all of us that this phase doesn't last too long.
I spent an hour of my evening last night Googling about incontinence and its various forms. Imagine spending an evening Googling about excrement. Not pleasant. Not how I wanted to spend my evening, but what I did because we're looking for solutions. Is it dietary? Probably not, although it could be. We'll remove what we think is problematic - sodas, milk and dairy - and see what happens. Is it related to her diabetes? Probably. Nerves don't work so she doesn't necessarily know when it's time. It's also simply a part of aging. And this is where it gets into things I really didn't know about, and won't share because, who knows, maybe you'd like to spend a couple of hours Googling about incontinence in the elderly and its causes.
Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any solutions. This is end-stage and it's only a question of how much longer. Weeks, perhaps months but no longer based on what I read. This isn't something that goes for years, so there is a bright spot - caused by bleach on the carpet in the living room.
Maybe I shouldn't say this here, but I am determined, after seeing how my parents went out and seeing how MIL is going out, not to do it as she's doing it.
Dad died of cancer at home, surrounded by family. It was hard to watch but it was over in a matter of months. No dragging it out.
Mom, sadly, died of a long-term infection, but she retained her dignity up to the last several months when the pain for her and the burden of caring for the infection got to be too much for my SIL and brother. Up until the end she had her marbles. She could speak and decide for herself, and she decided when the time had come to move into assisted living. She did, and a few months later was gone, but there was none of the stress of caretaking a senile person who has trouble formulating sentences and thoughts, who struggles to get to the bathroom on time and who has trouble swallowing and throwing up half of what she eats on a regular basis.
If I reach that stage, I'm outta here. I will not burden my family with this kind of thing. I will not spend months or a year or more living like half-a-vegetable which is where we are with MIL. There are ways and I'll find one.
I think that's a major difference too. She fears death and I don't. I don't want to die, don't get me wrong, but thinking about it doesn't scare me. It's inevitable and is as much a part of living as being born.
I also wonder what's next because I don't believe it's a one-and-done. If it is, I won't know it anyway so I won't have a chance to be disappointed. If it's not, the next phase is something to look forward to. I think. Unless it's like Dante's Inferno and this is Level Three and I'm heading for Level Four or something. But, again, if it is, if I am, there's nothing I can do about it.
So the Holidays will come and go and January 1st will start our next calendar trip around the Sun. Things will change and others won't and it will be interesting to see what happens.
In the meantime, I hope you have a wonderful day and month and year and... Whatever the future brings your way.
Best~
Philippa
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