Okay. I ended up taking yesterday off from this, too. Guilty as charged. Although I seriously doubt anyone really missed this drivel, but I'll pretend hard that they did.
Mind changing is said to be a woman's prerogative, but we all know that it's equally in the purview of men. It's just that we women talk about it while we think things over and guys don't. They just do it. Just like I did mid-stream yesterday.
I sat down here and started off yesterday in a philosophical mood. Grateful for the things that I have and wishing everyone could have at least the basics. Shelter, clothes, food, you know, the basics for a life that can be worked on and grown and developed into something more.
Then I started in again on politics and terrorism and got depressed. Yes, I actually developed a case of depression that's still with me this morning.
I do have a lot for which to be thankful. I am not "lucky". I work hard and strive to meet my responsibilities and obligations and do reasonably well at it. Of course there's room for improvement. There always is, so that is something I can strive for.
I'm healthy. I have a healthy daughter who is happily married and who is going to make me a Grandma in a couple of months. I saw her and her hubby yesterday. He is as he always is, a bit reserved. She looks marvelous - baby bump and all.
Then I had to race home again because my hubby isn't happy. He was downright "bothered" (as in sulky) when I got home because he expects that because he doesn't want to have a relationship with daughter, I shouldn't either. * Shrug * Well, good luck with that.
But it was bothersome. All the time I was talking with daughter my stomach was knotting and churning because I knew when I got home I was going to face some form of a pissed off hubby. Sometimes, as yesterday, he's just silently grouchy. Other times he gets downright nasty. One time, when daughter took me out for breakfast for Mother's Day, he went off on a two hour tirade. In that, he threatened me with divorce because I had spent two pleasant hours in the company of the young woman whom I am proud to call daughter.
And that's one reason I'm depressed. In fact, thinking of it, it's the only reason I'm depressed. The life I live is "challenging", at the very best.
Between MIL and hubby. I'm constantly trying to wobble along the sharp edge of a razor blade, striving to meet the balance between happy and tolerance. Right now it feels as if I'm standing on one foot, arms extended, staring at my feet and fighting to find my balance so I don't fall.
There's a lot of garbage there, a lot of history and background and it's not worth bringing up here. Take it on trust, and that's what's affecting me.
Now this isn't a depression that's going to make me do anything stupid or irredeemable. It's just a depression that I know I have to work through. It's a case of minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour and one day at a time until some of the things I'm waiting for come clear. And that, right there, is the genesis of this. I just do not cope well with uncertainty and things are about as uncertain as they can be. The things on which I'm waiting keep moving so I can't identify a date-certain and say, "then". It's ambiguous and fluid and I don't deal well with stuff like that, so I'm less than pleased.
This too shall pass and it's another case of that which does not kill me will make me stronger. As I've said a few times since 2012 started, by the time I hit eighty I'm going to be about the strongest woman on the planet. I just have to keep my eye on the prize, focus on the future - perhaps fifteen or eighteen months off. That gives me time to plan, to decide what and how and so on.
Then, thinking of me in my little microcosm, I feel guilty because I really don't have it all that bad. My "misery" is self-centered and pretty damned unimportant when I think of the broader world.
So many people have lost homes and families this Christmas. Between the wildfires in Australia and Southern California and the horrendous devastation there, the tornadoes in the Southeast - Texas in particular. I have the news on while I'm writing and the horror of the tornadoes that whipped through Dallas last night, picking up cars off of an overpass and dropping them straight down onto cars lined up on the roadway below, killing the people in both vehicles.
There's all the crap going on in the Middle East and the fighting that are leaving dozens of people dead every day.
And I'm worried about this stuff? Really? Well... It's not a prideful time, but yes, really.
I can't do anything for the people in the Middle East. I cannot do anything to affect or alleviate the wildfires or tornadoes. I feel badly for those caught up in those crises, but I can have no direct affect on them except to donate blood or money or both. While my feelings are selfish, they are also real, front and center. So I'll focus and plan. I'll look up and forward instead of remaining as I am, staring at my one foot that's so wobbly.
So, yes, really and probably not all that different from many other people. I'm not proud. I'm not happy. But I am, as always, honest and, like other people who are in similar circumstance and situation, striving for that balance.
Don't worry, though. I'll find it. In the meantime, I'm going to go play Farm Heroes Saga and see if I can't beat that next level.
Have a lovely day!
Best~
Philippa
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