An Open Letter on Laundry

Dear Husbands and Lovers, Live-in Male Romancers:

Please do not do the laundry. It really is for the best even if your heart is in the right place because unless your wife, lover or live-in female counterpart has trust in your abilities, it might not end well for everyone.

Perhaps she will say, 'yes please, I would really appreciate that!' All will be well with that one, assuming:

a) You know that chlorine bleach is not to be used on silk or delicate synthetics or items containing spandex.

b) You know that spots are not decorative accessories. They are unwanted, unloved stains that are supposed to be sprayed before being washed.

c) You know that it really is best to separate whites from colors, and that towels, sheets and napkins need to be washed in hot water to remove the odors of sweat, stains of grease, etc.

d) You know that the sweater that is lying there waiting with the other stuff needs to be put in a sweater bag while it's washed, then reshaped and dried flat without being twisted and wrung out of shape.

e) You know... yeah, I'm sure you get the picture by now.

I do not intend to be 'sexist' or put anyone down. I simply offer this as a suggestion to most (note: I said most, not all) married or live-in men in an effort to keep the peace on the home front. I am writing this from my own personal experience based on the men with whom I am most familiar.

My dad, bless his heart, knew where the laundry room was. He even knew which metal box was the washer. He just never went near those metal boxes unless there was something wrong with the plumbing or electrics. Same with my father-in-law and brothers. So, that's four out of five men in my experience. As for the fifth, he insists that:

a) chlorine bleach is good for everything
b) if it is white, no matter the fabric, it must be bleached
c) hot water is good for everything
d) spraying for stains is for wimps
e) separate loads are inefficient and a waste of money. Just jam it all in.

The problem is that laundry is like rocket science. It isn't just a matter of jamming a bunch of stuff into the hole and then dumping in the soap and bleach and turning that puppy on to HOT.

If you don't care what your clothes look and smell like, it probably is okay to do that.

Women though... Nope, we don't appreciate the cavalier adventurous approach of 'gee, I wonder what happens if I do this...'

What got me going on this is that I left a note in the laundry hamper before I left for work yesterday. There was a big pile of stuff waiting and I knew that, more than likely, it would be washed before I got home.

I like my clothes, that's why I pay money for them. When I wash them, I'm particular.

So, I thought to myself, if the pile is still here when I get home, great! I'll wash everything and handle it as I prefer, then hang the rest out to dry in the morning. But I better write a note, just in case.

The note said:

'Please look for stains on my green shirt. Please do not bleach the white top - it has spandex and is already stretched, I don't want it stretched more. Please lay the green top and the white top flat to dry, or they will stretch.'

I left for work and then, hours after it was too late, I realized what was probably going to happen based on typical past experience.

He would find the note.
He would not read the note.
He would throw the note away.
There is a pile of clothes.
He would wash it.

I am grateful, and I really appreciate the effort because he got most of it right. It seems he even went so far as to read the note. It was lying on top of the washer when I got home.

He did spray the stains on the green blouse and they're gone. Yay!

He did bleach the white top. Boo! Half-marks though, because even though he did that, he also laid it flat to dry. Yay!

Fortunately, because the white top does smell like bleach and the green top does not, I have confidence that he did not stuff everything into the washer all together. The individual loads were worthy of being washed individually.

That's another historical peeve of mine. If the loads are too small to wash, he won't leave them for another time. He'll just stuff everything from the hamper - sweaty socks, used underwear (skid marks and all) and my clothes - into the washer for one load.

Fecal coliform, what's that?

Trust me - if you don't know, you don't want to know, and if you do know, you know that you don't want it on any more of your skin surface than absolutely necessary. You certainly do not want it on the towel you use to dry your hands or the dishes, or the napkin that sits on your dinner table that you then use on your mouth.

He is a good man. He does try. But I think there is a genetic block in the male of the species that precludes most of them from understanding the intricacies of doing laundry.

It's just like most women have a genetic block that makes most of us uncomfortable tinkering around in the guts of a car 'for fun' or 'because it isn't working'. Most women in my experience won't change a flat tire because it's too dirty or they don't know how or, God forbid! they might break a fingernail. That's what AAA is for, right?

Anyway, I have been trying to explain the ins and outs of laundry for more than thirty years. Most of my requests, suggestions and directives (when times are desperate), have been to no avail. Even with proof that 'all together' is not necessary the best idea.

I have offered him smell tests. Remember the sweaty socks and dirty bath towels mentioned above? Here's a smell test:

Wash them in warm water and then, as soon as they come out of the washer, smell them while they're still damp. Take a great big whiff.

There's a reason, beyond softening the fabric, that fabric softeners exist. It's to cover up the icky smell of old sweat and skin cells and the stuff left behind after use.

Next time you do a load of sweaty socks and towels and sheets, etc., wash them on hot (extra hot if you have the option on your washer), and then sniff. The difference is remarkable.

Basically, my male friends, save yourself the hassle of doing the laundry and then getting blamed for doing the laundry.

If the sweater doesn't get washed on hot it won't shrink.
If the spandex top doesn't get bleached, twisted and then hung up to dry, it won't stretch.
If you don't use bleach on everything, things will mostly keep the colors they originally came with.

Otherwise, ask permission, ask for lessons, take copious notes because with the mix of fabrics and care requirements these days, it really is rocket science.

Good luck!

Best~
Philippa

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