Yep. I've Hit The Wall

I never sleep as late as I did this morning. Opened my eyes well after sunrise, looked at the clock and... 8:29 am. I never sleep that late, except today. Which tells me something. I'm tired.

During the week, I'm awake at 4:45 each morning. Sometimes, I'm still tired and want to sleep, so I'll hit the second or third alarm (5:15 and 5:45, respectively). Most nights I wake up along the way. Sometimes for a few minutes, often for an hour or more.

As of this morning, sleeping as late as I did and feeling as tired as I do, I know I've hit The Wall. The limit of my energies for a while.

Work has been incredibly busy recently, which contributes. It is fun, though, so I don't mind. I've been looking forward to getting there and digging in, so that's good.

Home life is becoming more challenging. As my MIL deteriorates my hubby needs more support and attention.

For instance, this morning I got my MIL's nutritional drink, as I do every morning, and put her three pill cups out, breakfast, lunch and dinner, as I do every morning. Hubby and I talked about her breakfast. I offered to get it, he said 'no', so I didn't. Then at about eleven o'clock she asked, "don't I get breakfast or lunch or anything today?"

I checked with hubby, he said he'd done it. I checked the pill cup I put her breakfast pills in this morning, it was empty, indicating she'd eaten. Her paper breakfast plate was still on the tray (another means of saving water in our household - we eat off of paper for breakfast and lunch). I checked the trash for the telltale banana peel. Yep, it was there. She ate. She just doesn't remember that she ate.

As for hubby, he usually spends the evenings talking at me in an endless stream-of-consciousness dissertation. Mostly complaints about his mother or his feet or his back or how the world is out to screw us or...  I think, genuinely believe that to any other human being listening, that stream-of-consciousness dissertation does not or should not require response or affected laughter. But, when I don't respond or laugh when expected (even if I don't think it's even remotely funny) he gets angry. So I have to pay close attention - even if all I want to do is go up to bed.

Then there's Sam, who is still here, needing attention and endless watering. His kidneys are failing, I know that, because that's what happens with eighteen+ year old cats. So he needs constant attention and loving and clean-up.

Between all of that I well know why I'm tired all the time. It's what people do to themselves. They give and give and give and... Sometimes they get back. Sometimes they don't. And when I do take time for myself, carve out a little area of my day and sit down for Me, I feel guilty - as if what I'm doing is somehow 'wrong', even when I know it's not.

Still, that's the time in which I write because writing is my rest. But even that, with all the other stresses and pressures, it's almost too much. So I haven't been for the past ten days. Except for my blog, one flash fiction entry, and some posts on Scribblers, and plotting and planning my excursion into NaNoWriMo. The story on which I was working has fallen to the side, and the others that I think about working on won't be, at least for a while.

I will be writing in November, for sure, because for NaNo, one of my online friends has offered to be my writing buddy. She'll be there to kick me in the butt and get me going if I stall, and I'll do the same for her. If I get a a crossroads and waffle or struggle, she'll be my sounding board, and I'll do the same for her. But I need to catch up with myself, get rested, because November is going to be wild.

So, for now, I'm on hiatus from actual writing, although I did devise a new plot twist for a story that was becoming all too vanilla. I will write that out at some point, although I don't know when or if I'll post it anywhere anytime soon. We'll see. And we'll see how long it takes for me to re-energize from where I am.

For the moment, the pool cover (removing it) and errands are looming, so I'll finish this up and get going on real-life stuff.

Hope you have a lovely, calm and restful day!

Best~
Philippa

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