Generally, when I write this little missive every day, it's as much an exercise in just writing as it is in relating little things going on in my tiny corner of the great big world. Like the letters to my mother, it's a means of opening the door a bit so she knew I was well and happy.
Since she's been gone since 2012, I haven't really had a release for these things. Since starting this in April I have, and it's been helpful and pleasant - a means of sharing good news and not so good stuff.
Today, however, I got to thinking about other things. Friends I miss, people who called me friend but who, for whatever reason, didn't really seem to be fully invested in 'friendship' as I define it. Even family hasn't been entirely 'there', so that's why. It's the why behind this post in which I'm going to open the door to a little bit of me today.
In my lexicon, friendship has a specific meaning. It's not a marriage or dedicated relationship, but it is a more than a 'when it's convenient to me' relationship.
I have few friends. It's not because I'm not friendly or rude or unpleasant. It's because I'm selective.
If I call you 'friend' it means that I will drop what I am doing to pick you up if you've fallen - but I expect the same in return should I need it.
If I call you 'friend', I will write to you, call you and listen when you need an ear or a shoulder. But, I expect the same in return, to the same amount.
In that case, if it's one hundred percent reciprocal, it's a 1:1 relationship. If I send a message or write a letter, I expect one back. My time and energies are just as limited anyone else's, and if it's down to a 2:1 or 3:1 exchange - it's not worth it to me.
Because of this attitude, I have stopped communicating with all of my 'friends' from past lives, which is sad and sometimes, like today, bothers me.
See, what happened, from my perspective only, of course, is this.
In 1995 I was hired at a company. I met some wonderful people along the way and I was there for seventeen years - until 2012 - when I was laid off because the company was downsizing. They had two people competing for the same position. One worked for the man who had the need, and I wasn't her. Ergo sum. And it was fine because I was getting stale in my job and it was time for a change.
However, in all those years I met several people who called me 'friend' and whom I called 'friend'. What was eye-opening, and more than a little sad, was that once I was laid off, those 'friendships' ended. Oh, we had lunch together once, but the e-mails I sent - well over a dozen - went unanswered.
Granted, I was on unemployment and spending my days looking for work - Craigslist and about a dozen other websites, crafting letters and refining my resume - so the e-mails were broadcasts to those I considered 'friends'. What upset me though, was the utter lack of response from those who had said, specifically, 'oh, let's stay in touch!'
Yeah. Like when you break up with your boy/girlfriend and you say, 'oh, we'll still be friends'. Riiiiight. We all know how that generally goes. And this was no different.
Twice in the following years - from then to now - I received some bare nod of a message. Along the lines of 'hope you're doing well, let me know how it's going' and nothing more. In other words, take your time to tell me what you're doing but I can't be arsed to reciprocate.
To me, this is not a friendship. This is something else and, frankly, I'm not sure what to call it.
I have the same approach to family.
My sister, for instance, after a silence of more than a year even though I sent her e-mail after e-mail until I gave up in late 2012 / early 2013 sent me a birthday card earlier this month. In it is a message that I took pleasure in receiving. I have the card on my bookcase at home. I have not, however, answered because that would re-open the door to the 2:1 or 3:1 or 4:1 communications.
Oh, we would start off at 1:1 but, and I can state this with certainty since it's been a repeated result, we would get to the point where I send one, then another, and perhaps a third with no response. With all I have going on in my life, and the limitations on my time and life expectancy, I don't have time for that kind of communication.
In a sense, a very big sense, this little blog I do every day fulfills that need to communicate. I hardly ever get comments on my posts - and that's fine. I've said it before, this is a rather selfish endeavor. If you stop by or trip over it on your way past, stop to peek in and take a look, that's great. But I do this, genuinely, for me. And if that sounds narcissistic and self-centered, so be it. It's real - which is how I roll.
So what's the point of this particular post, you ask? I don't know. Because I'm thinking of it. Because I miss those relationships but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself to try again when I know it will probably fail again. Because it's been bugging me. Whatever.
It's there. It's real. It's me and I won't apologize or retract. It's up to you, now, to decide how to take it.
Have a lovely day!
Best~
Philippa
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
WHOOOOSH It Got Away!
This week has been nuts.
There was Monday's excitement about which I started to write yesterday.
Then yesterday raced by before I could get my post posted. It was ten o'clock at night and it still wasn't quite done, so I went to bed instead of finishing it. Now, here I am, doing my Wednesday post as an effective adjunct to yesterday's post which I just posted this morning. As I say, nuts.
Yesterday was still twenty-four hours long, right? It didn't shrink and become less time did it?
No, I didn't think so.
I guess it's a compendium of guilt for having missed work on Monday - to the tune of four hours. Having the compulsion to make up for lost time, and feeling like everything is spinning out of control, even though it really isn't out of control.
The other thing that's driving me is that I really don't like using accrued time off for this kind of stuff, even though I know that's what it's there for. I prefer using it for when I feel I really need it. Like when I've been beaten into submission by the flu and can hardly move for being so sick. That's when I think time off should be used. Not otherwise. Except for vacation.
After losing four hours on Monday - plus the fact that I was just a tad distracted and paying more attention to worry than to work - and knowing I'm going to lose another two hours tomorrow for my follow-up with the retinal specialist, I'm trying to make up for lost time. But I think that's another exercise in pushing water uphill.
Well, no matter. It's how I am and what I do. I worry and feel guilty and want to make my employer "whole" for my time. Call me an overachiever or anything else you choose. It's who I am and what I do.
So this morning, tomorrow and Friday I'll try to get to work earlier than usual, and I'll work a little later than usual, and do my best to get as close to forty hours this week as I can manage. And then I'll back-fill the missing time from my account. No matter. That's less than miniscule in the overall scheme of things. What's important is that all is well in my little corner of the world.
And what I went through in the past week speaks directly to why I would never do Lasik eye surgery. I have one set of eyes. They are not replaceable. They are delicate enough that a clumsy move can make my world dark in an instant. Losing one means I'm halfway to losing everything, and that doesn't interest this ordinarily glass half full gal.
Anyway. This is actually good discipline for me - the getting up and getting to things. Not schlobbing around the house in my jammies. Staggering to the coffeemaker before doing anything else. Sitting down and writing before doing the grup stuff of making the bed and so on. That's my normal routine. This morning it took me a second after the alarm shattered sleep to remember what I'm doing, then I did it. So I'm on track. Dressed with coffee and doing this before anything else. Then I'll go upstairs in a sec, make the bed, take care of Sam and do my other things preparatory to leaving the house at 0'dark thirty.
Once I get to work I have a pile of stuff on my desk that I'm weeding through and cleaning up. And that's always a pleasure for me. Pile stuff up, work it down to manageable, repeat.
Looking at what I have and what's remaining, I'm winning the battle. Another couple of days and the nightmare I dove into three weeks ago will be back under control. It will still take ongoing maintenance, but I expect I'll actually have time to spare for other things. Like what I was supposed to be working on before this landslide came along and I got started digging it out.
Of course, month-end is coming, too, and that will result in another huge deluge of stuff in this area. But that's okay. At least the backlog is cleared up.
And I've had it confirmed again. The biggest, most important method for solving stuff like this is communication. Second, and just as important, is doing what you say you'll do. Third is explaining why you did it.
That Golden Rule again, don't you know. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Pick up the phone and talk to them. Send them an explanatory e-mail. Such simple stuff. Sometimes I just have to shake my head because my predecessor who was also my antecedent, didn't seem to have that ability. That means the people with whom I'm dealing in his stead are a bit distrustful and more demanding than I remember them being when I dealt with them before.
I don't blame them. Not at all. Once bit, twice shy isn't one of those old sayings for no good reason. Fortunately, I am known to them because I worked with them for months before this all came about and fell apart. They know me and they know, or at least I think they know, that I'll do my best - and that's helped oil the waters and bought some time.
I do have several who are still screaming loudly - but they'll settle down, too, and we'll get this all smoothed out. Which is what I'm looking forward to doing today. Getting in, getting to work and making it all better.
You know? That sounds like so much fun I'm going to end this, finish up around here and hit the road.
I hope you have a lovely, pleasurable day full of stuff you enjoy doing.
Best~
Philippa
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories
There was Monday's excitement about which I started to write yesterday.
Then yesterday raced by before I could get my post posted. It was ten o'clock at night and it still wasn't quite done, so I went to bed instead of finishing it. Now, here I am, doing my Wednesday post as an effective adjunct to yesterday's post which I just posted this morning. As I say, nuts.
Yesterday was still twenty-four hours long, right? It didn't shrink and become less time did it?
No, I didn't think so.
I guess it's a compendium of guilt for having missed work on Monday - to the tune of four hours. Having the compulsion to make up for lost time, and feeling like everything is spinning out of control, even though it really isn't out of control.
The other thing that's driving me is that I really don't like using accrued time off for this kind of stuff, even though I know that's what it's there for. I prefer using it for when I feel I really need it. Like when I've been beaten into submission by the flu and can hardly move for being so sick. That's when I think time off should be used. Not otherwise. Except for vacation.
After losing four hours on Monday - plus the fact that I was just a tad distracted and paying more attention to worry than to work - and knowing I'm going to lose another two hours tomorrow for my follow-up with the retinal specialist, I'm trying to make up for lost time. But I think that's another exercise in pushing water uphill.
Well, no matter. It's how I am and what I do. I worry and feel guilty and want to make my employer "whole" for my time. Call me an overachiever or anything else you choose. It's who I am and what I do.
So this morning, tomorrow and Friday I'll try to get to work earlier than usual, and I'll work a little later than usual, and do my best to get as close to forty hours this week as I can manage. And then I'll back-fill the missing time from my account. No matter. That's less than miniscule in the overall scheme of things. What's important is that all is well in my little corner of the world.
And what I went through in the past week speaks directly to why I would never do Lasik eye surgery. I have one set of eyes. They are not replaceable. They are delicate enough that a clumsy move can make my world dark in an instant. Losing one means I'm halfway to losing everything, and that doesn't interest this ordinarily glass half full gal.
Anyway. This is actually good discipline for me - the getting up and getting to things. Not schlobbing around the house in my jammies. Staggering to the coffeemaker before doing anything else. Sitting down and writing before doing the grup stuff of making the bed and so on. That's my normal routine. This morning it took me a second after the alarm shattered sleep to remember what I'm doing, then I did it. So I'm on track. Dressed with coffee and doing this before anything else. Then I'll go upstairs in a sec, make the bed, take care of Sam and do my other things preparatory to leaving the house at 0'dark thirty.
Once I get to work I have a pile of stuff on my desk that I'm weeding through and cleaning up. And that's always a pleasure for me. Pile stuff up, work it down to manageable, repeat.
Looking at what I have and what's remaining, I'm winning the battle. Another couple of days and the nightmare I dove into three weeks ago will be back under control. It will still take ongoing maintenance, but I expect I'll actually have time to spare for other things. Like what I was supposed to be working on before this landslide came along and I got started digging it out.
Of course, month-end is coming, too, and that will result in another huge deluge of stuff in this area. But that's okay. At least the backlog is cleared up.
And I've had it confirmed again. The biggest, most important method for solving stuff like this is communication. Second, and just as important, is doing what you say you'll do. Third is explaining why you did it.
That Golden Rule again, don't you know. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Pick up the phone and talk to them. Send them an explanatory e-mail. Such simple stuff. Sometimes I just have to shake my head because my predecessor who was also my antecedent, didn't seem to have that ability. That means the people with whom I'm dealing in his stead are a bit distrustful and more demanding than I remember them being when I dealt with them before.
I don't blame them. Not at all. Once bit, twice shy isn't one of those old sayings for no good reason. Fortunately, I am known to them because I worked with them for months before this all came about and fell apart. They know me and they know, or at least I think they know, that I'll do my best - and that's helped oil the waters and bought some time.
I do have several who are still screaming loudly - but they'll settle down, too, and we'll get this all smoothed out. Which is what I'm looking forward to doing today. Getting in, getting to work and making it all better.
You know? That sounds like so much fun I'm going to end this, finish up around here and hit the road.
I hope you have a lovely, pleasurable day full of stuff you enjoy doing.
Best~
Philippa
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PhilippaStories
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