This is awful and I don't know what to do about it.
For weeks, almost since Halloween I have been struggling with putting anything down on 'paper'. No spark for storytelling at all, not Flash Fiction or one of my novels, not even this most of the time. Normally I eventually find something to write about but it's a struggle. Much of the time I don't and I have to wring blood from the turnip. Today is one of those 'don't' days and I'm starting to get frustrated, which I know won't help.
The story I was working leading into Halloween stalled. It sat, dead in the water, while I went through the shock I suffered a few weeks back. Then, a week or so ago, a little niggle suggested that mayyybe I might be up for trying something. Too soon. That little spark went out and I was back in the dark.
I pretended, hard, that it was okay, that it wasn't bothering me, but it was and it is. Finally, yesterday, I wrote out some ideas that I have for this story and, in doing so, I realized both the problem and the solution.
First, the problem. I'm bored with it. It's... okay, but it's not good. To a new reader, fresh eyes, they probably wouldn't realize it's boring until another thirty pages on, then it would catch up with them. I can see the eyes glazing and attention wandering now.
Second, the solution. I need to condense the scenes and I need to raise a question. A great big hairball of a question to get the reader sitting up on the edge of their seat. The concept of what I need to do was sitting there, in a dusty back corner of my mind, but I couldn't entice it forward. For days I tried and got nowhere. Desperate, I got a long stick and poked and prodded and nothing. It sat there, pretty much sticking its tongue out at me. So I decided to circumvent it, flank it, and I wrote down a summary of the set-up followed by what I have and my options for making it better.
That worked. The idea slunk forward, reluctantly, until... Hallelujah! It came far enough forward I could see it, capture it and hold onto it. Now the problem is trying to find a block of time to focus on this, to get it down, or at least get it started.
This morning might have been a good time, but.... I woke up at a little before four o'clock after having a horrible dream.
It's weird and a bit faded now, but essentially I had decided The Time had come for my exit. It was a normal thing in this dream world, legal and okay. I went to a clinic and had the drugs administered. While I'm fading I decide I have to speak to Daughter. Somehow I get to her and I'm talking to her, realizing that I have only a short time to live but what I have to say is urgent. I'm having trouble getting it out and I can feel myself getting weaker. Suddenly, out of nowhere while I'm talking to her and trying to pass this crucial mumble of intended meaning, I'm using a ShopVac to clean out my car. It's whirring, I'm dying, and she's listening and nothing is going well.
It was weird and unsettling and I woke up and couldn't shake the feeling of impending Doom. It was hours before it passed and, instead of having that extra waking time to focus and write, I was thinking about that weird dream.
Then there was work and learning the new stuff I'm being given (which, it turns out, is nothing to worry about). And I wanted to get this done and did what I've done all too often lately. I sat down and started this morning. Actually in a snatched few minutes before I had to start getting ready for work. It was more pressing to me then, and I knew I didn't have enough time to do anything decent with the other, so I stabbed at this and flamed out.
I got to work and at lunch I started again, but it wasn't... good. Or it wasn't good enough. It was too hard, a struggle, so I gave up as I ran out of time.
Finally, tossing out the idea I started with this morning and tried to develop at lunch, I got here, admitting to all and sundry my state of mental erectile dysfunction.
And that's weird, too, cuz I'm a girl. But I don't know what else to call it. I want to do 'it'. I need to do 'it'. But I can't do it because things aren't cooperating or working as they should.
Maybe in another twelve or fourteen hours I'll get a spark and maybe I can coax that spark into a flame again. I hope so because this being in the dark is awful.
Now, though, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to coaxing, but I wish you a brilliant day where ideas flow easily and fully.
Best~
Philippa
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