How Can That Be, Phil?!?

Yesterday, Friday, I started this off three different times, all on the theme of How I Can Be In Love With My Life Despite Some Big Hurdles, but it was too depressing. None of the three attempts gained traction. Instead, they slipped backward, into the bog and I don't want to be in the bog. It's too... boggy. And it's depressing, so I stopped, deciding to wait until today.

Trust me, though, I am in love with my life despite those hurdles.

Some of you know some of it. Others know much of it. One or two know pretty much most of it but no one but me knows all of it. And that's okay. It's how it should be - a private corner in my life just as everyone else has.

Then I thought about "cheating" and dropping in one of the flash pieces I've written, but that didn't seem right, so I started this on Friday and I'll finish it on Saturday. Instead of my occasional two-fer-one, it'll be a one-fer-two, and that's okay, too. It'll save us both a little time.

Now it's Saturday. In the afternoon, a bit after twelve o'clock. This wasn't a morning to love, either.

I was out the door at eight-thirty. It was raining. I had to go buy gas and, because my car is old, sometimes it doesn't like being 'fed'. Sometimes, if I let it get just a little too low, I'll fill it up, start it up, move three or four feet and it will stall.

I suspect that it's either because of a dirty fuel filter (which I haven't the money to spend replacing) or because there's an air-gap in the line. No matter. Then I have to put the car in neutral (it's an automatic transmission with power steering), get out, and push. And it's a big car, a full-size station wagon, so it's heavy. And then I get to try to steer it while pushing without power steering. It's hard. But I push it out of the way so I'm not blocking other people and then I wait. After a minute or two, if I try again, it will restart and actually run and I can drive it.

Joy of joys! It didn't stall! I was able to get it to run and drive it away.

Then I went and got the oil and power steering fluid changed.

Then I went to PetSmart and bought cat food for the next few weeks.

Then - best of all! I got to go clothes shopping.

Honest to God, I would rather have dental work without Novocain than go clothes shopping. I would rather have my eyes put out. Anything rather than shop for clothes.

After two stores and about eight trips back and forth between the racks and the dressing room I finally settled... on the first pairs of pants I tried on. An hour of my life spent in futility. I'd suck as a hunter because, for me, there is no thrill of the chase. There is no excitement of catching my prey. If it wouldn't bring tears to the eyes of adults and scare the children, I would prefer to go around stark naked or in my jammies. But, I found what I was looking for and paid for it - a shocking amount.

Then, I got to come back to the hometown and go back to Costco so I could buy the refrigerated and frozen stuff I needed. Then I got to stop at the other grocery store for the yogurt and head of garlic.

Three hours after leaving I got home and walked into... an argument. The same argument I knew I was going to get because it's the same argument I always get: "why'd you spend so much?"

This is one of the hurdles in the bog that's so depressing. Mostly I overlook and avoid this hurdle. Over the years, I've learned well how to avoid it but, unfortunately, I sometimes can't miss. On days like today, everything was wrong with what I did.

We talked about the oil and power steering fluid change before I left. It was still ammunition for this afternoon. "Why'd it cost so much?" To which I could respond, "How the hell do I know? It's what they charge!" or "I don't set the pricing, sorry." Neither of which would help, so I shrug and keep my mouth shut.

We talked about the pants that I needed two nights ago. On this, I don't know whether to laugh or smile or blush, but when I took one of the pairs of pants I wear to work out of the dryer the other night, I was horrified to see that the seat was gone. It was two holes, one on either side of the mid-seam.

Now I'm going to sit here and convince myself that those two holes were where my lower sittin' bones wore through and when I was standing and walking around work those two holes were not visible. Please don't tell me otherwise or I might just die of embarrassment. But they were one very well worn pair of pants.

So, I showed those Holy Sunday Britches to hubby and said, "I have to buy some clothes." He fussed and whined and complained but couldn't very well say, "No" given the evidence.

Today I bought two pair of pants. And I heard about that, too. Even though these are pants that are going to make the other pants I have last longer through not being worn constantly, and even though these are pants I will wear to work, and even though I now have five pairs of pants for work instead of four, he complained.

And I bought food for my lunches, and he complained.

I bought food for my breakfasts and, you got it, he complained.

So I got to go out and do all those things, then do something I hate, and then I got to come home and listen to an hour of whining.

BUT! Out of the fifteen waking hours today, I spent about one in the misery of shopping and about one in the misery of listening to hubby. Tomorrow I won't have to do those things, and tomorrow I don't have to go out and shop. Tomorrow, if I play it right, I can be up, downstairs, cooking and out of the kitchen before he even gets up, then I won't have to listen to him complain about my being in the way.

This is usual. This is my life and, despite this, I do love it because aside from the gnat buzzing in my ear there is so much else to enjoy and take pleasure in. Even sitting alone in my car while others change my oil and I don't have the gnat. Walking through Costco, picking and choosing things that I will make into something I will like without the gnat is pleasurable. It is the choice I make, to ignore the gnat, the bad and the ugly, and look for the quiet times, like now and like the driving around time this morning, alone, listening to the radio with no one complaining.

My future, when the gnat is gone for good and all, is something to which I look forward, and I will get there and then my life will be just about perfect. In the meantime it is those small moments, those little things and short times alone that allow me to say: Yes, I really do love my life.

I hope you love yours, too.

Best~
Philippa

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Life Is Amazing

More than the simple living and breathing and growing and dying, the matters involved with living life are amazing. The little moments, the tiny things in the seconds that pass by in our days. Each one, painful or not, is a miracle.

I'll confess to drinking a touch more than I should have last night. We had Drambuie in the house that hubby brought home on Thanksgiving. As I have occasionally since then, I had a small after dinner tot. Until last night it was just one, perhaps a finger or two. Last night, though... I don't know what happened.

I had one. Then I wanted another because the first one tasted so good. By the end of the second my face was numb, my normal "stop" sign. But damn that second one tasted good, too. There was just a little left in the bottle, only... Oh. Crap. Two fingers, not one. Well, it's in the glass now, so what the hell.

When it was all over I felt good - not "buzzed" - just relaxed and ready to sleep. I came upstairs, did my cat settling and me settling and all was well and right with my part of the world when I fell asleep.

Early this morning, around 0400 or so, there was a change in weather - a low front was coming through with rain. The sound of rain in the downspouts and the change in pressure coupled with the overindulgence woke me up to a massive sinus headache and moderately queasy stomach.

The pain in my face was bad enough that I wondered if people's heads ever explode from overfull sinuses. I put my hands over my cheeks and eyes, pressing to hold it all together while allowing the warmth to build and start relieving the pain. (Yes, I know there are pills for that, but I do not take pills unless I think I might die - it's just a personal thing.) I drank some water, went downstairs and got a piece of bread and another bottle of water - carbonated this time. I really didn't want the bread but ate it anyway, then started on the water. After a while, I fell asleep for a couple of more hours and woke up feeling fine - no headache, just a need to relieve pressure elsewhere, which I did. (Gee, ma, how's that for a euphemism?)

Since then the low front has passed, taking the rain and the pain with it. Now it's cloudy and windy with patches of blue sky - a pretty fall day. I have to go out later and run errands. I have got to replace my shoes because they're tattered and torn and beyond hope. They're comfortable though. And since I would rather drive a nail through my foot than shop they're still, in theory, the better alternative. However, the time has come and I just have to suck it up and do it. Shop, that is, not do the nail driving thing. I've had enough pain for one day.

As I posited in my post the other day, the pressure in my life has eased, too. That spread-too-thin feeling has abated. It's like being in a river. One minute you're racing ahead, bouncing off of obstacles and impediments, spinning and flailing and feeling that control will never return. The next, the water slows, it spreads deeper and wider, becomes calm and easy. You can breathe and take time to look around, consider options and ideas. That's where I am, now. That deep and calm place. How long it will last is anyone's guess, but for me, for now, I'll enjoy it.

That's one of the amazing things in life. That evolution between chaos and calm and chaos that's a part of living and breathing.

Did all of those chaotic things get dealt with last week? No.
Did life as we know it end because of it? No.
Will life end because they didn't get done? No.

I did get the hotel reservations made, and then changed them when the dates changed.

I did get lunch ordered. One of my errands today is to buy serving dishes and utensils for it. It's Chinese and I think it would be a bit declasse to serve it from the take-away boxes. Besides, I serve lunch to groups at least once a month and having serving things at work instead of having to remember to bring them from home would be helpful.

I did get more of the accounts payable items off my desk, and was asked to help with accounts receivable while our A/R clerk is out for a period of time. So the potential for more chaos, but we'll see how it goes - how much is needed and how far it will go.

I did get the approval for the carpeting, and then got a change to the price from the vendor and am back in negotiations, still with the goal of getting the carpet installed by year-end. Heck! I have three weeks, right?

I didn't get the Gantt chart worked through, and that's a big one.

I didn't get the meetings relating to it scheduled for the coming week, and that's another big one.

I didn't get the team meetings for next year scheduled, but that's a small one. I can do that in the space of thirty minutes on Monday morning - at least get them scheduled for January in that time frame. Then I can tackle February and March sometime between now and the end of the year, so people have time to plan.

A step at a time, that's all anyone can do and I'm doing my best. Things will come and things will go, some will stay the same and others will change, it's all just a matter of keeping at it. Even when it does feel overwhelming. Even if you do something silly and ill-considered and end up with a headache. This too shall pass. And to help it pass, something amusing for your viewing pleasure (trust me - it is funny and wildly different from what you might expect from the intro):

And I found that because I was searching for a rendition of "Rejoice" - in keeping with the underlying theme of this post - by The King's Singers. The song, "Gaudete", is from the 16th century. It seems fitting with life and living and breathing and all the rest of it so here it is:

I wish you a joyous day full of life and living and breathing and the miracles of seconds passing us by.

Best~
Philippa

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Nothing Is Clear - But It's All Good. I Think.

There's the nitter-natter of gun control on-going in Washington and other places again, some more. Yes, that's deliberate on-purpose because they talk and talk and talk and, in the end, do nothing. Until next time when it's like a clockwork doll being wound-up again.

As I and others who think as I do have already said, we have a plethora of gun control laws and a plethora of vermin (aka bad guys). The vermin don't pay attention to the gun laws which is why we have shootings. Until the vermin do pay attention to the laws, the shootings won't stop.

Sorry - but the genie is out of the bottle, Pandora's box has been opened and here we are. We have guns, they are readily available no matter what the ill-informed hand-wringers want to believe, and until these vermin are stopped in their tracks - taken down, taken out - they will continue to do heinous things. The laws don't matter because the people who do these things don't and won't abide by them (I'm hoping that by repeating myself, this might sink in a little more).

The only legislation that would help - not solve but help - would be eliminating gun sales at gun shows. If you want to buy a gun of any kind, anything beyond a plastic water pistol that is - you have to go to a licensed gun dealer, fill out the paperwork, take the gun safety test, etc. I still think this needs to go farther.

I still think that beyond the simple paperwork and background check, anyone who wants to own a firearm should have to go through a thorough medical screening. In my opinion giving up the right to medical privacy is a small price if you really want or feel you need to own a weapon. If you want to own a firearm, you should have to undergo a screening - similar to those which police academy applicants have to go through. You should also be required to attend firearm safety classes - including shooting and firearms handling - similar to the training policemen and military trainees go through.

Will that be a 100% surety? No. But I'm willing to wager that among the law-abiding it would clear the risky and allow the rest of us to breathe a bit more easily if open carry becomes popular and more common in states other than Texas and Arizona.

I was interested to see an article about a sheriff in upstate New York who is asking permitted citizens and off-duty policemen to carry their weapons. Heck, since the laws aren't a deterrent because they're just a bunch of words on paper the vermin will never read, perhaps a visual aid will do the trick. While he's posting that, I'll go back to advocating for firearm education and open carry.

In the meantime, as sorry as I am for what happened in San Bernardino, it is yet another situation about which I can do nothing. I have no effect for change, no ability to undo. Instead, I have a life ahead of me and it's calling.

Browsing the news again this morning I see the politicians are playing politics again. The Senate passed a bill to defund Planned Parenthood for one year (as if that will do any good) and strip some of the assets from Obamacare (as if that will do any good). It'll go back to the House where they'll wet themselves over what a great job they're doing. It'll get passed back to the Senate and, eventually, will end up on Obie-One's desk.

Now, do you really think for one nanosecond that he's going to sign a bill that removes a part of  his "landmark" legislation - his pride and joy - and defunds one of his favorite organizations in one swell-foop? Not on your life. It's laughable and pathetic. It's just something these yahoos can point to going into an election year and say, "we tried".

Closer to home, today is the dreaded Holiday Party. I suspect that, as these things usually turn out, I will get there and have more fun than I expect to have right now. Right now it's the dread of trying to figure out what to say to a bunch of people I don't know beyond work, and a whole bunch more who work in other offices in other cities. Back to the wallflower impression - standing in the corner, glancing at my watch, wishing it would just end. Unfortunately, getting blitzed is not an option. I really don't want to start tomorrow morning with my head hanging over a toilet bowl. However, I may just get silly - to encourage the start of conversation. What do you think about this:

As for tomorrow, as soon as my feet hit the floor at six o'clock I have a full schedule. Daughter is nearing her Time with Baby No. 1 - the end of February which is just around the corner. I have a carload of furniture and books and dolls to pass along. Her hubby isn't particularly thrilled with my largess because they're moving in a few months, after the baby is born, and he's not looking forward to packing all this stuff up to move it. If they weren't moving nearly 1,000 miles from here, I'd say 'wait' and then deliver it next summer or so.

Unfortunately, they are moving nearly 1,000 miles from here and I don't know how soon I'll have a chance to get up there to visit them. With other things bubbling in my background, it might be a while.

Which means that tomorrow I get to take a long (two hour) drive out to the place where they're living so I can dump my largess on them. Then I get to drive two hours back and do my errands. At least it's a pretty drive - out west toward the Sonoma County coast. This is the best time of year in these parts, in my opinion. It's chilly, but the colors on the trees are pretty - gold and yellow and bronze with a sprinkling of red in some places. With the rain we've been getting, the hills are greening a bit after being gold and brown for the summer, as they always are.

I'm also thinking forward. I have a lot ahead of me - some of it sad, some of it tremendously scary but beyond those, hopeful and (I hope) happy.

Life does go on. We do get up the morning after and make our coffee and take our shower, get dressed and move forward. We go to work, talk to our associates and colleagues. Share information and gossip, eat and, hopefully, make it safely home again.

Wishing you a safe and happy day, a hopeful future and only pleasure.

Best~
Philippa

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It's Pretty Much Like Life

I think it's definite. It's at least probably definite that I'll do NaNoWriMo this year. I've pondered it in the past couple of years, but never felt motivated. This year I have the motivation and the story idea. It's pretty strong, too, so I think it will be reasonably easy.

The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to write 50,000 words in thirty days. That's substantially a complete novel since most commercial published stories are in the range of 50,000 to 90,000 words, depending on genre.

Because of the time constraint, I've decided that I'm going to do something I never do when it comes to my stories.

I am what's known as a "pantser" - meaning I write by the seat of my pants. I don't draw up an outline for stories. I don't plot them. I don't do character development off to the side. In fact, I don't do much of anything but write them down and then fiddle with them endlessly. Mostly because I hate barriers and restrictions and I do see an outline as a restriction.

If I say, "this is how chapter one should be, and chapter two and..." I get locked in. Then, if something unexpected develops from what I'm writing, I have to struggle with how or whether to follow that thread - even if that thread seems brilliant but will blow the rest of the outline out of the water. It creates an unnecessary conundrum, in my opinion.

Now, because of the time frame and the story I have in mind, I will draw up an outline. I even have the title (I think). Just a bit of research to make sure that James Bond had the proverb correctly when he spoke it. If so, I'm good to go. Otherwise, I'll have to come up with another, similar declaration.

It's going to be a surprise for those who read my posts here. I'm not going to give anything away - not the title, not the outline, nothing. If you want to know what it is, you'll have to wait and then read each day in November because I have decided to serialize it. It should be fun for both of us.

In the meantime, Authonomy did shut down, as HC threatened. It's a sad day for many people, but we have other places to go.

Kudos to Harper Collins for doing the decent thing and giving everyone prior warning. Not just twenty-four hours, either. They gave us more than a month's warning. That was marvelous because it gave us a chance to search out new homes, to discuss them - their pluses and minuses - and to decide what would work for us, as individuals, to reconnect in new places. It was a gracious thing to do and I, for one, appreciate it very much.

I did check out several. Some on which I already had accounts, others were new. None are like Authonomy, but they all have their minuses and pluses, just like everything in life. I've picked my new homes - WriteOn for the writing. It's affiliated with Amazon's Kindle which will make the step to publication easier. Scribblers will be my place for the communing with my fellow writers.

My flash pieces will start on Scribblers and may end up here. Or not. I'll chat there and work on WriteOn. Or maybe I'll do flash on both places since Scribblers has the weekly FFF thread, and WriteOn has a Weekend Write-In. Both are different, both are challenging although I do find the WriteOn theme more difficult since it limits the word count to five hundred instead of one thousand.

If you want to try it, just start writing a story - whatever you choose - and then complete it in under five-hundred words.

It's hard at first, but as with everything else, if you practice, you get better - which means you're cutting the chaff and keeping the kernels, which is something imperative to good writing. You don't want your story to get lost in too many words. Keep it to just enough and you're golden. But it is hard because stories do tend to take on a life of their own.

On WriteOn, I already have two books up and two flash books started. It's an active site and encouraging, although if you're not active your books fall off the radar - which is actually a good thing.

That was one complaint I had about Authonomy, and about Book Country. You never knew whether the book you were reading and commenting upon was active or someone's abandoned baby. In just the past ten days, since I was focused on wedding stuff and wedding recovery, I haven't been writing / updating and posting. And my books have evaporated into the background. Which is fine. I'll get active, they'll resurface and things will get back on track.

I looked at some other places, too, but none compare to Authonomy. And they shouldn't. They should stand or fall on their own merits. Some people like this or that and I don't, so we'll commune together on Scribblers and go our separate ways (or not) for our writing. Pretty much like life.

Now, I hope you have a wonderful day!

Best~
Philippa

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Wrinkles and Twists and Adventures in Living...

If you’re alive I’m sure you’re like me in that you find somewhere in each new day a brand new adventure. It seems that there’s always something. The truck you get behind that makes you late or the cat puking on the floor just as you’re ready to walk out the door. Misplacing your car keys or something else that trips you up. Maybe it’s after you get to work. You have your day planned out, you know what’s on your list and then … wham! Straight out of left field comes a curveball and you have to flail at it.

Yesterday’s adventure was receiving a call at 11:05 am and being ‘asked’ to turn a project on which I have been working for over a year completely on its head. Just turn it 180° so that instead of driving toward a finite End Date, we have an open ended project.

Internal thought process:  Let's see... eight hundred tasks, one master chart, into which are linked eight subsidiary charts further connected by fifteen child charts...  

Oh, and by the way, can you have it done by nine o’clock tomorrow morning for our Director’s meeting?

What’s a good answer to that one? ‘I’ll get started but can’t promise it’ll be complete…’ That’s what I came up with. And, by focusing on it and coming in a little early it was about 98% done. A few tweaks, minor changes, nothing catastrophic and I will have finished.  Whew! In the meantime, it’s good enough to trot out and put up on the screen for the directors to see and pick at.

Today’s adventure was having the chance to sit in a room of execs – directors and above – and explaining ‘my’ gem to the CEO – a very smart, meticulous and inquisitive man.  He’s exactly the kind of person I like working with because you don’t have to explain things more than once – he gets it first time ‘round. Of course, there are times when he drills deeper than I’m prepared for, but that’s okay, too. It makes me think, to pay closer attention for the next time.

In the end, it was a good morning all around for me. The turning-over task is 98% done. I just have to finish the minor tweaks, which means I don’t have time or need to fret about what isn’t done. The meeting went well with some drilling and I think I tipped the ‘Respect-O-Meter’ to the green side.  It’s all good.

Of course all of this threw my timing off for everything else. My posting this, for instance, but in my part of the world, time is flexible. That’s a valuable lesson I learned early on, when I worked in the international department of a bank. My schedule was tipped on its head for two years when I worked nights – one o’clock in the morning until nine-thirty. That taught me that being caught by morning, noon, evening and night isn’t necessary. I have the power, to an extent, to bend time to my needs – like this morning.

Over the years I’ve also learned not to sweat the small stuff. I don’t always recognize the small stuff the first time it sniffs around, but I usually manage to figure it out. Sometimes before I sweat, sometimes after, but I do usually figure it out. Big stuff, though, yeah, that I can sweat. I can definitely sweat the big stuff right along with the best of ‘em. It takes practice but no one lives a life without practice in that, so I’m there, ready to sweat if and when needed.

One thing that I have trouble with though is learning not to challenge others. If someone tosses something in front of me with which I disagree, I have a heck of a time turning my back on it and just walking away. I don’t know if it’s a character flaw or not, but it does sometimes create unnecessary friction and trouble. It’s just a life lesson still to be learned and I am working on it. The one thing I do know is that we all have things to learn and improve on – it’s part of being alive, so I’ll keep working on it, hoping to achieve perfection (or as close to it as I can come) before my number is called.

So, I’m going to get started on the little tweaks to my project, then start in on the character flaw (there’s an open-ended discussion that’s becoming a circular argument on another website).

Have a lovely day!

Best~

Philippa

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