The Internal Drought

This is awful and I don't know what to do about it.

For weeks, almost since Halloween I have been struggling with putting anything down on 'paper'. No spark for storytelling at all, not Flash Fiction or one of my novels, not even this most of the time. Normally I eventually find something to write about but it's a struggle. Much of the time I don't and I have to wring blood from the turnip. Today is one of those 'don't' days and I'm starting to get frustrated, which I know won't help.

The story I was working leading into Halloween stalled. It sat, dead in the water, while I went through the shock I suffered a few weeks back. Then, a week or so ago, a little niggle suggested that mayyybe I might be up for trying something. Too soon. That little spark went out and I was back in the dark.

I pretended, hard, that it was okay, that it wasn't bothering me, but it was and it is. Finally, yesterday, I wrote out some ideas that I have for this story and, in doing so, I realized both the problem and the solution.

First, the problem. I'm bored with it. It's... okay, but it's not good. To a new reader, fresh eyes, they probably wouldn't realize it's boring until another thirty pages on, then it would catch up with them. I can see the eyes glazing and attention wandering now.

Second, the solution. I need to condense the scenes and I need to raise a question. A great big hairball of a question to get the reader sitting up on the edge of their seat. The concept of what I need to do was sitting there, in a dusty back corner of my mind, but I couldn't entice it forward. For days I tried and got nowhere. Desperate, I got a long stick and poked and prodded and nothing. It sat there, pretty much sticking its tongue out at me. So I decided to circumvent it, flank it, and I wrote down a summary of the set-up followed by what I have and my options for making it better.

That worked. The idea slunk forward, reluctantly, until... Hallelujah! It came far enough forward I could see it, capture it and hold onto it. Now the problem is trying to find a block of time to focus on this, to get it down, or at least get it started.

This morning might have been a good time, but.... I woke up at a little before four o'clock after having a horrible dream.

It's weird and a bit faded now, but essentially I had decided The Time had come for my exit. It was a normal thing in this dream world, legal and okay. I went to a clinic and had the drugs administered. While I'm fading I decide I have to speak to Daughter. Somehow I get to her and I'm talking to her, realizing that I have only a short time to live but what I have to say is urgent. I'm having trouble getting it out and I can feel myself getting weaker. Suddenly, out of nowhere while I'm talking to her and trying to pass this crucial mumble of intended meaning, I'm using a ShopVac to clean out my car. It's whirring, I'm dying, and she's listening and nothing is going well.

It was weird and unsettling and I woke up and couldn't shake the feeling of impending Doom. It was hours before it passed and, instead of having that extra waking time to focus and write, I was thinking about that weird dream.

Then there was work and learning the new stuff I'm being given (which, it turns out, is nothing to worry about). And I wanted to get this done and did what I've done all too often lately. I sat down and started this morning. Actually in a snatched few minutes before I had to start getting ready for work. It was more pressing to me then, and I knew I didn't have enough time to do anything decent with the other, so I stabbed at this and flamed out.

I got to work and at lunch I started again, but it wasn't... good. Or it wasn't good enough. It was too hard, a struggle, so I gave up as I ran out of time.

Finally, tossing out the idea I started with this morning and tried to develop at lunch, I got here, admitting to all and sundry my state of mental erectile dysfunction.

And that's weird, too, cuz I'm a girl. But I don't know what else to call it. I want to do 'it'. I need to do 'it'. But I can't do it because things aren't cooperating or working as they should.

Maybe in another twelve or fourteen hours I'll get a spark and maybe I can coax that spark into a flame again. I hope so because this being in the dark is awful.

Now, though, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to coaxing, but I wish you a brilliant day where ideas flow easily and fully.

Best~
Philippa

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Lottery Fever?

Does anyone in the United States not have Powerball Lottery fever? I don't know of anyone, even among the rational and staid. If they're not rushing out to buy tickets, they're at least paying attention and speculating - 'what would I do if...'

Given the sheer number of people who are in on tonight's drawing, it's probably 1:300,000,000 against that no one will win while the odds are 1:293,000,000 that someone will. With the jackpot at $900M it's pretty sure that there are 300M tickets sold in the forty-four states that participate.

Confession: I have mine. I bought two plays at one vendor, two at another and will buy one more at a third today. Superstition? Perhaps it is, but I do notice there are differences in the numbers - and not just a little difference. Out of the four plays three are pretty similar, which is one of the problems with the quick picks. However, if you don't have time to stand at the kiosk and fill in your tickets it's the only good choice. Or don't play, which is also a choice.

What would I do if I won? I have plans. Nothing big and I am very good at saying 'no'. I know which groups would get money and I know how I would structure my donations. I know who my family are so newbies showing up and declaring familial relations will be given short shrift.

Depending on how far that jackpot went would affect my plans, but the basic idea would remain the same because who needs more than they need to live comfortably?

Let's say I'm one of four winners. After all of the dust settles I would end up with almost $62M. Honestly, why would I need any more than $120k per year to live? Why could I not live well on $10,000 per month? Even on my bucket trip I'm not planning on spending more than $9,000 per month or $300 per day. One person traveling alone, staying in places for long periods and doing most of their own cooking should be able to make that work. So $10k per month is still far more than I would need, because my overall lifestyle wouldn't change.

I would happily accept $120k per year. Assuming I live another thirty-five years (unlikely, but possible), that would be $4.2M I would need to keep that pace. Since it's unlikely I would spend even $120k per year, it would roll over and I would have that much more available when I really need it.

Immediately, I would spend about $1.5m on myself. A new home locally and my future home on acreage over there. Land + site improvements + the home I've already identified and visualized that I would start on immediately so it would be ready when it's wanted.

I would buy the pickup truck I've always wanted, and a bicycle. Yep, a bicycle. A desktop computer and some clothes - Lee jeans in a variety of shades of blue (based on dye lot). Not Nordstrom or Macy's or any of the expensive places. Kohl's needs my business just as much and their prices are better. So are Target's. Why pay premium price for something I can get for less even if I have the money to spend?

Based on $6M taken from that $62M for myself and my future needs and wants, I would have a cool $56M to offer up to charity. Eleven charities and $5M each with $1M left over for the 'one-offs'? I would have choices, lots of choices and, looking at CharityWatch.org there are a lot of worthy charities out there.


And CharityWatch is worth a donation, too. If a charity uses more than 25% of the received donations on salaries and overhead, they are not spending their money wisely. Who gives money to charity to see it go for high salaries, lush offices, massive overhead and general nest feathering instead of going to help those who need help?

Aside from the winning, I would still get up and go to my job every day because I enjoy what I do (mostly). It gives me something to strive for, to do and look forward to each day. And that would offset some of the need for that $10k from my lottery nest egg so I would save for the future, just as I do now.

Why not retire? Why keep working?

Well, I don't play golf and how many rounds of golf can one play per week anyway? Even hobbies become chores if they're overdone. The pleasure departs and leaves work behind.

I might buy a horse or colt for training, but how many hours per week can one spend working with their horse or colt? I had horses before and spent twice as much time caring for them than I did riding or enjoying them, particularly the colt I was bringing along. Halter training, handling, accepting blankets laid across his back preparatory to the time he would be ready for the saddle, etc. was time consuming and required a lot of patience because he's prey and I'm predator (the position of the eyes in the skull are a giveaway to that).

One thing I have thought of is buying acreage and setting up a boarding stable where people would take care of their own horses. I would have the pleasure of having them there, seeing them every day, but I would hire people to feed them and muck stalls and haul doofle (poop). That would be funded primarily by the boarding fees I would charge, so I would have the pleasure without much pain.

I would also handle this in three stages.

Stage One is drop out of sight. Ditch the cell phone and go into hiding as far as possible. I would not announce my windfall to anyone who isn't in a position of 'Need To Know' because I have no interest in having people seeping out of the woodwork to declare family relationships or beg for money for their sick Aunt Tillie.

I would hire a CPA and meet with representatives of the charities I have already identified. My CPA and I would work with them to establish annuities or trust funds managed by an outside, unaffiliated party of their choice. Not a lump sum payout, but a steady stream of revenue.

I would buy the new house, truck and other things. For the time being I would keep my current car and use that for commuting but the truck would be there, ready to go, for Stage Three which would obviously come after Stage Two.

Stage Two, several years down the road, I would take my bucket trip.

Stage Three would be returning from my bucket trip and retiring to my cabin in the woods.

Those are far enough off, though, that I won't lock myself in by saying 'I'll do this, this, this and this.' I'll leave Stage Two for Stage Two and Stage Three to Stage Three.

Now, all I have to do is win. Even one quarter of that $900M would work.

$900M/4=$225M*.55=$123.75/2=$61.875M. Not too bad. Not too bad at all. Yep, I could manage on that.

Now I'm going to go pick out my house and truck. Here I am, wishing you sweet dreams!

Best~
Philippa

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Youth and Dreams Are Over-Rated

God, I am so glad I’m not young. Things that seem so hard when you’re in your twenties are still hard in your fifties, but they aren’t so burning because you can see farther.

You know, from bitter experience that what is immediate now, pressing against your nose and breathing heavily enough to cloud your vision in your twenties is boring and old hat when you reach your fifties. By then, with all that experience behind you, you’re better able to step back and away, to weigh the benefits and costs. Everything has costs and benefits, there’s no escaping that reality.

Faced with a particular situation I don’t have all of the answers. I don’t know that Plato or Socrates or Solomon would have the answers, but I can see the distance. I know that a decision made today, in anger or haste, will leave bitter dregs and regret far into the future. A bad decision or bad series of decisions made today will leave the bitter taste of ash long after the immediate need is a painful memory.

In my twenties I thought things had to happen right now or it was the end of the world. What I didn’t see was that the end of the world was almost always something else, entirely.

I was much like any other twenty-something. I often had trouble looking beyond my immediate needs, my wants and wishes and dreams and desires. It’s normal. It’s a hold-over from kiddom when our parents were there and did their best, within their means, to do what they could to make us happy or at least keep us healthy.

If we are deprived of things as kids, dreams take on greater import, deeper significance and meaning. In our twenties those dreams become all-important, perhaps even to the exclusion of longer term happiness and security. Dreams can cloud clarity and higher reasoning, preventing that long-term happiness by the determined chase for something that is momentary.

It’s like, or it can become, the case of killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. You want it all now not seeing that if you kill the goose in an attempt to get the eggs, you get one or two eggs but you don’t get them into perpetuity. It’s shortsighted and damaging to both you, the getter and to the goose, the giver.

Instead, it would be better to be patient, to wait, accept what is now, basing your decisions on logic and deep thought not on emotion and reaction, and let the future play itself out.

I had dreams. Some big, some small, all were important because they were mine. Then I got older, suffered the bruises of living and I learned that one thing, one dream usually isn’t worth sacrificing happiness over. Happiness has a higher value than a single moment or a period of a few hours. To me, happiness is a culmination of many things – not just one.

I can’t speak for everyone. Maybe for someone it is that important, but then I have to ask: If you gave up that one dream and had years of satisfaction with a wistful ‘I wish’ instead, which is better?

Why does that dream have to happen in a particular order?

Cart-horse is not the best of all worlds, but sometimes it’s the hand we’re dealt and then it’s incumbent upon us to make the best of a bad situation. By all means, take the time to rearrange the cart and horse but accept what is. Things will be different. Perhaps it won’t happen in the order planned, but they can usually be accommodated.

Will it be ideal? Perhaps not, but few things in life are ideal. Most are far from perfect and happiness is where we find it and, mostly, how we make it. More often than not, it’s a matter of compromise, of giving something up partway to meet someone else, with their conflicting wishes and dreams in the middle. To arrive as an adult – a fully-grown, fully mature grup – at a place where compromise is possible, you have to be willing to bend, to give, and sometimes, depending on the case, to sublimate yourself at least partially in order to achieve that longer-term happiness.

Faced with choices A, B, C and D it is up to the individual to stop and weigh the options.

If I do A because of C, what will happen?

If I do D because of A and B, what will happen?

It’s not likely, in any given scenario, that things will be perfect. At the point though, it’s necessary to pick the options that are best, accept what is, acknowledge what cannot be and move on.

If you cannot do that, all you will do is bring misery and unhappiness, regret, to those around you. Ultimately the individual making the choice will end up miserable, too, because instead of missing one dream, they will likely miss many others – all because they could not have the one.

Then the individual has to ask themselves if that’s their goal, to cause regret. They have to ask themselves, are you going to make someone else unhappy because you can’t have things exactly as you want? If the answer is yes, then they have to ask what is the price? Is that price higher than I want to pay?

I suspect, based on my experience, that if the individual puts the dream above reality, they are going to be wildly disappointed. Everything will collapse and they will be left with nothing. Not love, not wealth, and most importantly, not happiness, and that’s where the price becomes too much to pay.

Dare to dream but be willing to compromise.

Look long-term and make decisions based not on the fleeting moment of Now, but on the future.

Weigh your dreams against the cost to others, and decide which will serve both parties fairly, or at least as fairly as life and circumstance allow.

That's my advice to the youthful dreamers. I hope it's advice that's never needed, but knowing life as I do, the hope is faint.

Best~

Philippa

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The Importance of Dreams

I'm not talking about the midnight visitors that show up to tell us a tale - scary or sublime. These are the self-created dreams, the ones to which we can hold fast when the world around us seems to be too much to bear.

Perhaps ten or twelve years ago I had reached The End. Fed up with my existence (no stretch of the imagination would let me call it a Life), not seeing anything ahead of me that was any different than the darkness around me, I was ready to throw in the towel. To kill myself.

It's a despair that steals in, a thief of self-esteem, of self-value, self-determination, self-anything. It is anathema to Self, the important part of us that makes us who are, what we do and love and look forward to. I had no dreams, no goals except to make it through the day in which I was existing.

There was the tree alongside the freeway just past the Marin-Sonoma County line. I passed it everyday, eying and evaluating its worthiness. Its base is perhaps eight-feet below the surface of the road, approximately twenty feet in a straight line from the edge of pavement, an ancient eucalyptus with a diameter of at least seven feet. With enough speed, I could bridge that gap.

A bit farther was the concrete bridge abutment. At the end of a cut, separated from earth by a triangular sliver of sky. Steer for the gap, the driver's side would hit the concrete, old and solid, the car would either come to rest or squeeze through that space and plummet fifty feet down a hillside. Either way, I wouldn't care.

Enough. Enough of that, of old hopelessness, the life without dreams. I live.

For months, many months in that period, I fought the demon that stood on my shoulder, at my side, followed me through my days whispering to me, 'Do it, come on, do it. You're miserable, unhappy, nothing will change.'

To him, I said 'No! There must be more, there's got to be!'

And I was right. There is more, so much more if only we stop and look up, imagine, ask ourselves 'what do I want and how can I get it?'

They can't be impossible dreams, unachievable dreams, or they will become self-defeating and the demon will win because despair will surely follow. They must be realistic - within reach if only you climb high enough and stretch out your hand to pluck them up and are willing to shift your life story to meet them.

Most honestly, I didn't survive that time for anyone but myself. I didn't do it for my husband, my daughter or my mother-in-law. I did it for me. It had to be for me, or I would be back where I was, stuck in a swamp of hopelessness and misery.

I began to dream. Small at first, just little attainable wishes. So small that now, nearly ten years later I can't even remember most of them. One I do remember, was a little one. I wished that my husband would stop calling me 'mom', as if I am his mother, his nanny and caretaker. I already felt like that in many ways because, in many ways, he's helpless just as I am in some ways.

I wanted to separate from him, to create a life where I was my own person, able to do and decide for myself but I wasn't quite strong enough to break away. We went to counseling. We talked to each other through the counselor. I expressed my frustration with 'mom'. He expressed his about other things. We're still together and I still have my dream.

What is it? Ah! Speak your dreams and they might not come true, so I won't say, not here. Only inside where I can fan the flame, keep them burning and, when the time is right, set them free to expand from dream into reality, and then my fight with the demon will have been well and truly won.

Dare to dream. More importantly, hope to dream. Even if you can't see the way today, maybe you will tomorrow and it's that, that bright and shining Tomorrow toward which you need to guide your steps.

Best~
Philippa

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