When 'Friends' Unfriend 'Friends'

I've soliloquized on my idea of friendship before, what it means and the levies assessed by claiming friends. But this morning I couldn't sleep so was lying in bed letting my mind graze and it hit upon the peculiarity that is Facebook and its 'friend' basis.

If you want to connect to someone on Facebook you 'Friend' them which, in and of itself is weird since 'friend' is not a verb outside of Facebook. Yet it has become a common part of the cultural lexicon. 'I'll friend you, 'k?'

It's weird and it's phony, like Styrofoam phony, and I really don't like it, but I am caught up in it just like most of the people I know.

There are lots of words that mean that you know someone. There's nodding acquaintance which is pretty clear. You recognize someone you see regularly. Perhaps, but not necessarily, you know their name. You're barely or not on speaking terms because you don't know them well enough for that so, as you pass by you make eye contact and nod.

There are acquaintance with whom you exchange verbal greetings, "Hi, Phil." "Hi, Bill."

There are colleagues, the people with whom you work and collaborate. That can be within a department or across departmental lines. It's primarily a business relationship with give and take and shared labor. You might talk about personal stuff, but it's little things, nothing deep or intimate.

There are co-workers, those people with whom you work but don't necessarily work closely. You see them most days. You'll stop to chat about superficial things like, 'man, it's cold out there today!' or 'how're you, today?' Just the very basics and little or nothing personal.

There are work friends, the people with whom you do a little more than just brush by with a few platitudes. These are the people with whom you share some of yourself, open the window to your outside life a bit and let in across your personal threshold. You may not ask them to sit down and make themselves comfortable, but you at least let them inside to stand in the vestibule. Perhaps you share a table at lunch or hang out with them during a break. But that's as far as the 'friendship' goes. Once the five o'clock whistle blows, you're each off to your other life with a wave and "I'll see you tomorrow!"

Then there are your friends - the real world friends. These are the people with whom you choose to spend time, not because you have to because you're working together within the confines of business, but because you want to. Perhaps you did meet at work, or maybe at school or the gym or church or some other place. It's a chosen relationship - you chose them, they chose you and bingo, a budding friendship that develops over time into something with meaning.

When push comes to shove they have your back. When life throws lemons, they're there to help pick them up and make that lemonade. Then, once the lemonade is made they'll stand by your side and build that stand with you and help you sell it. If you need a shoulder or a shelter, they're there, arms held wide. If you're wrong they'll tell you so. If you're right but have been wronged, they'll tell you that, too.

Given the construct of Facebook and it's society of 'friends', it is really strange, almost otherworldly. It tips the concept of the word 'friend' onto its head and turns it inside out and backward.

How many real world friends do you have on Facebook? And I don't mean nodding acquaintance, acquaintance, colleagues or co-workers. I mean real honest to God friends who have your back and meet the criteria of the life / lemon / lemonade stand.

How many people of the 'friends' that you have there have you ever met or spoken with outside of the confines of the interweb in the past three months?

Some people on Facebook seem to collect 'friends' like confetti. They're not particular about who the other person is. They just want to see how many people they can connect to. Perhaps they view it as a contest? Whoever dies with the most 'friends' wins or something.

I don't know. All I know is that the friending and unfriending and all the rest of it on Facebook is phony and empty and cold.

Now Facebook didn't create it's 'friend' concept lightly. Saying 'friend' brings warm connotations, a hint of a relationship closer than acquaintanceship, although I'm willing to wager that the vast majority of 'friends' on Facebook are little or less than real world acquaintance. It's just not as inviting to say, 'I'll send you an acquaintance request, okay?'

And it's funny because the friending / unfriending is willy-nilly. In the real world, if someone 'friends' someone, it's because they've met face-to-face. They've moved from nodding acquaintance through acquaintance to become something more. In the real world friends chat one-on-one and share personal things - likes, dislikes, time together. In that realm if someone unfriends a friend, everyone knows it. The parties involved and everyone who has meaning in the lives of both parties hear about it. The break-up is loud and public with crying and hugging among the parties and their real-world friends.

On the interweb when 'friends' break up it goes down with nary a ripple.

Recently, we had a situation at work where someone with some authority posted an inner-thought. They were faced with an unpleasant task and, instead of keeping it off the interweb, they let it off leash and the pitbull of half-a-hint took off running. This person had 'friended' a bunch of co-workers and, because of the inter-relationship created by Facebook, all of the co-workers saw this post. Which was inflammatory in the sense of security.

For me, seeing that, I shrugged because I've been through the wringer, the mill, the whatever you choose to call it and I've survived. Not in the same situation, of course, but I have come through intact and ready to fight back.

At this point I liken work to being in a chicken factory. If you're there, there's damn all you can do about the outcome. All you can try to do is be the best chicken you're capable of being so the powers that be don't decide to hook you to the line with a Bad End.

So, knowing that whatever this person was having to do was going to happen whether I liked it or not, I shrugged and went about my business.

Others, however, got all excited and worked-up. I still don't know what happened, but one of my co-workers, one of the sensitive and anxious, caught me in the hall and asked if I had seen that post. I had. Then they asked, 'did you get un-friended, too?'

It was as if this person was resentful because the other person had abruptly unfriended everyone associated with the company. It was a bad break-up, I guess.

Curious, I went online and checked and, sure enough, this individual who had posted what should have been kept private was no longer in my list of friends. I hadn't even noticed. Which means, when you look at it that way, we weren't really 'friends' at all, were we?

Now, I hope you have a friendly day with someone you can look in the eye and say, 'I'm glad to know you.'

Best~
Philippa

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Why Do Some People Play The 'Blame Game'?

Very sad news from Lake County last night. One woman, Barbara McWilliams who was 72-years old with multiple sclerosis, died in the Valley Fire that is still burning. I learned of this on Facebook this morning, along with the FB post that prompted me to write this.

The FB post blames emergency personnel for not "doing something". Perhaps this individual who put it up spoke from emotion rather than logic and has since thought better of it, but I still feel compelled to speak up about this kind of 'blame game'. It happens far too often and, perhaps, this will give someone pause in future.

At least one of her neighbors who knew Ms. McWilliams was there stopped to help her. They offered to take her to safety while they were in the midst of evacuating themselves, but she declined. She probably didn't realize how bad it was and thought she would 'ride it out'.

By the time her family realized what was going on, it was too late. The area was cordoned off and fire crews and law enforcement had their hands full trying to get others out, keep the roads clear for the fire equipment and so on.

It's horrible. It's tragic. Unfortunately, it almost couldn't be helped given the entirety of the situation if the woman wouldn't agree to leave when she had the time and opportunity.

It's easy after the fact to point fingers and place blame. Which is what got me started on this. A post on Facebook where one woman "demanded" to know why "someone" didn't do "something" - laying blame squarely on the doorstep of the emergency crews. Another, Ms. McWilliams's caretaker, is doing the same.

This is an ugly sport in which people participate. When something like this happens, fingers fly and blame soars. But I cannot help but ask everyone to stop and answer one simple question: What were emergency workers - already spread thin across the state of California - supposed to do when there were hundreds of other people trying to get out, to find safety?

Take a look at this map:

These are the fires currently burning in California. How many thousands of exhausted, overstretched firefighters are on the lines of those fires, working ten, twelve, fourteen and more hours per day with little rest, doing their level best to keep things from getting worse? How many sheriff's deputies, CHP and police officers - on and off duty - are helping to keep things moving around these fire zones, to keep the way clear for firefighters and emergency crews? Yet people lay blame and, personally, I think that's shameful.

Yes, Barbara McWilliams's death is tragic and horrible, but it's no one's fault. Except, and yes, I will be "brave" enough to say it, perhaps her own for refusing the ride to safety when it was offered.

It's not as if she was deliberately left behind by the emergency crews. No one laughed and pointed and said, "Sorry, no ride for you!" Now that, if they had, would have been beyond criminal - but no one did.

Instead, they tried. The neighbor tried. Emergency crews, when they had the opportunity, tried but, by then, it was too late.

I am terribly sorry for Ms. McWilliams's death. My heart and prayers, along with those of many others, go out to her family but, knowing the little that I do about this woman, I don't think she would be proud or pleased to know that others are blaming the people who were and are doing their level best to save lives and property.

Think about that and, instead of laying blame try offering a hand and a quiet 'thank you'.

Philippa

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