Living in ... molasses?

I'm not sure what to call it, this period after and between.It's  quieter, more still, than the inside of a Category 7 hurricane.

Yes, yes, I know. Hurricanes are only ranked to Cat-5, but this is even quieter than an eye inside of that. According to Wikipedia, the eye of a hurricane is relatively quiet - and that's how this feels, this time after her passing and... whatever will come next.

For the two weeks immediately following Charlotte's demise, between work and home, I was too busy to really think or feel. In the past week, though, things at home have quieted a bit. Work is still crazed and perhaps that's the issue, but then again... I'm not sure.

For a while, a period of a couple of days in the past seven, I felt empty, like I had nothing inside - no feeling, no nothing.

Charlotte had depression - constant unhappiness or at least dissatisfaction with Life. Her expression gave it away - hand to forehead when she sat in her chair. Even while she ate her drooping eyelids and lips gave a picture of her unhappiness. I can visualize her now, looking miserable. She was agoraphobic, hated leaving the house and disliked having people she didn't know around her.

I haven't felt like that, but the empty feeling, the non-feeling, made me wonder for a time if her spirit had somehow taken control of mine. It was... quiet. Too quiet for me because calm is normal, quiet and disinterested is not. I'm a doer - always wanting to have hands and mind busy even while my eyes are watching something else (hockey and baseball right now) - so the lack of interest in anything had me worried.

For three weeks I haven't wanted to write. I haven't wanted to do anything on the computer, at all, and that is not like me. In the end, I made myself, using force and pressure, to write the post about her passing. Then I wanted to write nothing again. None of my stories, none of the posts here, nothing, and it was worrying.

Today, though, for the first time in several weeks, I feel compelled to write - to say something and give voice to thoughts. Is this the beginning? A re-genesis or re-birth of my writing and interest in creating scenes and characters and developing stories in which I can live for a time? I don't know.

I do know that tomorrow is going to be a reversion to the past few weeks. We still have the garage to go through and clear out, and then the house will be done. I'm pretending the laundry room isn't there but that's a simple matter of Windex, vacuum and a thirty minute window of time.

We'll see. For now, for this moment, this is enough.

I hope to be back. We'll see.

Best~
Philippa

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